Open Dating, Apparently It's A Thing Now.

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, "many, several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. 

I am approaching dating for this blog as an experiment and I have been hearing quite often about the concept of open dating/polyamory. So, I did a bit of research on it. First, like the geek I am, I read a book about it.  Sex At Dawn, which is about the evolution of sex and dispels the standard narrative that humans have always been monogamous. The authors of the book argued that when we were hunter/gatherers that sex was a shared resource much like food and childcare. Everybody was doing it with everybody else with no issues of jealousy and possession popping up. Only when we began to settle down in one place and acquire possessions and power did monogamy become an accepted/expected part of society. The authors believe monogamy is in direct conflict with our instincts (for men AND women) and that's why infidelity is so rampant. Because you are human and can reason, you can choose to be monogamous, but why would you opt to deny your natural instincts?

Intellectually I understood their arguments, and perhaps even thought that they were right in believing that we are not  hard wired for monogamy. But there was no way I was ready to practice the theory. I know three people right now that are living this lifestyle, and I have been out with two of them. The second one, Jay was really good about answering questions about the whole scenario. Of course my first question was how in the world do you ever get a woman to agree to this plan? This is where my belief system first got challenged, because according to Jay, it was his girlfriend's idea. His ego made it really difficult for him to get on board with the idea at first. He decided that if you REALLY loved someone, why would you deny them what they needed for complete happiness? Now he has fully embraced the idea and is taking advantage of the fact the he can sleep with other people much more than she is. How does it work? Jay's response was that it was exactly like what I was doing except he gets laid. It is true that I am dating multiple people simultaneously, but I am sleeping with none of them. So how is it that I don't think what I am doing is wrong, while what he is doing seems very alien to me? I guess because I haven't really bonded with any of these people, if I found one that interested me enough I would stop seeing other people. For Jay, his live in girlfriend is his primary partner, and he dates other girls and sleeps with them outside the home (his girlfriend follows the same rule). Another guy who was attempting the open dating lifestyle explained that he did it because it was nearly impossible to find one person who met all of his needs. In fact, he believes that that foisting that expectation on someone that they should be your everything, is why relationships fail. His different girlfriends met different needs, one was an intellectual that he could have deep conversations with, but she wasn't into travel like he was, so he found another girlfriend who would do that with him. It wasn't just about sex, but other needs being met as well.

Personally, I concluded it wasn't for me. While my brain might see the logic in it, my heart doesn't want to start a relationship in a place where we already admit that we aren't enough for each other. I also think that foisting the expectation on your lover that he should be your everything is a sure way to doom a relationship.  I should be my own everything, and not look for someone to complete me. Whatever needs I have outside of my own feeling of completeness can be met partially by my partner, and the rest by others in a non romantic way. Do I believe there is one person out there for me for the rest of my life? Probably not. Serial monogamy is probably my thing. That being said, that is a personal choice, so go forth and do what makes YOU happy. As long as you're being honest with everyone involved, I don't judge.

Let's talk! Post your thoughts back on my Facebook page....

About A Girl Named Megan...

This isn't a dating story, but rather the story of why I'm dating. We are given this life, and sometimes that isn't enough for us. We squander the opportunity that life comes with, and merely exist. I am guilty. Guilty in every sense of that word. Guilty for letting life pass me by in the past, and feeling guilty because of Megan (see pic above). I feel a connection and duty to Megan although I never met her. As some of you know on August 12th, 2012 I was robbed and kidnapped at gunpoint by two men in St. Louis. It was sunny Sunday afternoon and it happened in the middle of a crowded parking lot and no one even noticed. But I made it to the other side of it scared, but unhurt. In the week after it happened I told myself that they never would have shot me and the gun probably wasn't even loaded. Then along came Megan. Just like me she was minding her own business in the middle of the afternoon in a crowded area. The same two men approached her, but this time something went "wrong". She was talking to her mother on the phone when they came up to her and demanded her wallet and phone. When she resisted, they shot and killed her while I can only assume her mother listened on in horror.

At this point, I could no longer tell myself that I wasn't really ever in danger. Obviously I was in mortal danger. The first feeling that should have come over me was relief that I was still alive. But it wasn't, it was guilt. Why was I alive, when this 23 year old girl with her whole life stretching out before her was dead? She had family, a long career ahead of her, quite literally everything going for her. It seemed so unfair, senseless. The next year or so was not good for me. Again, instead of being thankful I was still here, I was profoundly depressed. I guess perhaps a form of survivors guilt? A million what ifs flying through my mind at all times, almost immobilizing me. What if I had struggled? What if they shot me instead? Sure, I would probably be dead, but she wouldn't be. Wasn't there some cosmic justice in that? I wasn't really doing anything with my life anyhow, and most of my family is gone. I stayed in that dark place for a long time. When I moved to Tulsa in December I decided it was time to pick myself up and take advantage of the do-over that the universe had provided me with. So here I am, trying to figure out what really matters in life. Trying to form connections, really live life, and get off my couch. Because even though it makes no sense to me, I have a chance to live that Megan wasn't given. She is beyond my reach, and the only thing I can do to honor her is to somehow seize this opportunity I've been given.

This week I got a letter from the St. Louis district attorney letting me know that the gunman got a life sentence for my case (he previously was given life for her murder). I guess it brought this all back up to the surface. Sometimes life gets complicated and you just wanted to stop engaging with people, because it's just way easier that way. But I do believe that letter was my little reminder from the universe to resist the inclination to give up on people and continue to make an honest effort at finding meaning in this life.

How about you? Are you really living?

Men Aren't Assholes, People Are Assholes

After my last meandering blog about not being cynical and dragging your emotional baggage around, I have come to the conclusion that I may indeed be guilty myself of cynicism.  I guess I realized this when I recently said to a good friend of mine "people never disappoint me with their ability to disappoint me". I guess I shouldn't be lecturing about cynicism.  While I am NOT dragging around a bunch of baggage about being wronged by the male gender in the past, I do view humanity with a raised eyebrow of suspicion. That is, if I could raise only one eyebrow, which I can't because I am very uncoordinated. But you get the picture. The thing is, I love guys. Almost all my closest friends are guys. So as a group, I simply adore them. I grew up with 4 brothers, joined the Navy, and have done radio for most of the rest of my adult life. It's been a very male dominated life for me and I LOVE it. They always cut through the crap and speak the truth, and I really value that. That is they speak the truth when they are just your friends, if they are trying to date you/sleep with you, all bets are off. In fairness, I realize that my gender is just as guilty. People in general are dealing in half truths, and very often they don't even realize it. So in general I believe about 25% of what people say. On the flip side I believe only about 25% of people are intentionally lying. Often they are deceiving themselves and inadvertently end up deceiving those who come into their circle.

Take John for example, when we last left off in this little saga it was after date one. Despite my management of expectations (see Getting Mean On The Way To Cougar-town for the back story), the first date still ended with him kind of irritated with me because I didn't sleep with him. I honestly didn't expect to hear from him again. Then came this:

I give the guy points for humor, text back that I think that is hilarious, and still I really don't expect to hear from him again. He indeed texts back the next day saying that he wants to go out with me. Me being me, I wrote back that I was shocked to hear from him again, as I assumed that he was just trying to get laid. He denies this fairly aggressively. I say it's okay if that is the case (no judgement here), but I am a waste of time for him in that department and he should move on to an easier "target". He then writes me a rather lengthy text about how he wants to date me but is reluctant because HE needs to protect himself from being hurt. This is when, metaphorically, my eyebrow begins to raise. Up until now, I am completely fine with his behavior. He's looking to get laid, it's a human thing, I have no problem with that. There are women looking for the same thing, we should have just seen that we had incompatible agendas and gone our separate ways. I had two choices, believe that this guy (11 years younger than me BTW) is for real and continue on in good faith. Or bail now, and never know for sure. I consult one of my male friends who is roughly the same age as John, and he very bluntly advises me to bail. His direct quote: "He is full of shit, keep his diseased wiener away from you". That's Blake, apparently even more distrusting than I am. Not only is the guy a liar, but he has an STD of some sort as well. Again, me being me, I ignore this advice and decide to go forward. We've been out two more times and to his credit, no pressure of any sort (even the time when we hung out until 4 in the morning).

This is when I realize that I haven't really thought this blog thing through. Now I'm dating this guy and I've completely violated his privacy, haven't I? Though on the plus side he claims not to be a very active Facebook user and doesn't even try to friend me (this is the only way he would eventually find this blog). The fact that he says he isn't much of a Facebook user despite mentioning using it in previous conversations actually makes me slightly suspicious. This is also another one of those times I miss Dawson (my former morning show partner) and having a morning show.  If I were still doing a morning show I would first ask Dawson for advice, then  because I have always been willing to over share, we'd put it out to the audience. Does 11 years younger than me + met on a dating site + grumpy because I didn't put out on the first date, but still wants to date me + not an active Facebook user = probably shouldn't be dating this guy?? Also a side note, what if John does turn out to be a total Douchemonga (yeah, I made that one up, it's a fave of mine)? What will I really have lost, other than a little bit more of my ability to believe in people? Thoughts? I would love to hear them. I can see from my blogger stats that around 125 people on average are reading these blogs via my Facebook links so any of you are free to comment (back on Facebook).

Willing Suspension Of Disbelief ( Love, brought to you by Jana Kramer)

I learned in some classroom eons ago that in order to enjoy a movie there must be willing suspension of disbelief. In other words, you must allow yourself to stop over analyzing what's happening on screen and just enjoy the story. Willingly forget that they are actors playing parts and just get engaged in the drama/comedy/horror and allow it to unfold.  Essentially you have to do the same thing when you begin a relationship or fall in love. We all know that life can make us cynical, each failed relationship leaves us it's own unique piece of luggage to add the ever growing pile of baggage we drag through life with us. Until one day we realize that we are utterly incapacitated by all the relationship "wisdom" we've amassed and we can no longer move forward. We have our minds and hearts so firmly rooted in the past, that there can be no real future for us. We analyze a potential lover's motivation through the grimy spectacles of cynicism and bitterness and then wonder why we can never find some one. I'm not suggesting that we should forget who we are or what life has taught us. But rather that we try practicing a little willing suspension of disbelief and allow the scene that is love to unfold as it should without the interference of our own destructing negativity. Maybe we could leave the baggage at the door and enter the scene with our minds open and hope in our hearts? Try believing one  more time. The alternative to me is unthinkable. You'll never get your heart broken again, but you'll have missed the entire point of why we are all here. What could be worse than that?

This meandering post is brought to you by Jana Kramer and her new song Love. It's what sparked this line of thought..

"I still believe in you. I still believe that you'll come knocking on my door when I least expect you to. You'll give me something I can hold. You'll pull me through. Because that's what you always do. That's what you do love.

Getting MEAN On The Way To Cougar-town

Saturday date night, this time with John who is 11 years your than I. I felt badly after quizzing the first younger guy I went out with (Junior) so extensively. I assumed that due to our age difference he was quite possibly buying into the whole Cougar lore. So I preemptively and quite emphatically let him know that I wasn't looking for just sex. I am not sure why a woman would ever need a dating website to get sex anyhow. In Junior's case my assumptions turned out to be quite incorrect and I didn't want to make the same mistake again. So with John (this is his real name, why bother changing such a generic name), I just set up the date and didn't really discuss my long and short term goals. Why make things complicated?  I was just winging it, and I like things to move organically.

I met him at a bar, he was good looking, nice, well traveled and intelligent. He had great stories about his adventures to Africa and Australia that were quite interesting to me. After about two drinks, I bring on the MEAN. I capitalize this because MEAN is an acronym that stands for Manage Expectations About Night. MEAN is an ongoing operational procedure for me, wherein I explain to the target that I am not into casual sex but I do love to make out. If he not on board with just making out and wants to move on to another target, I give him the opportunity do so. I get that people are trying to get laid out there, and I'm cool with it, but it just won't be with me very quickly. Like every man that I have used MEAN on previously, he accepts my terms. Really I should say he accepts my challenge, because I do believe that half of all of them see it as a challenge to change my mind. This is not my problem. If they choose to believe that I don't mean what I say, that is not my responsibility.

We go see a band, we made out there, we sit by the pool outside where the band is playing, we made out there. Then in his truck a little more and then I was ready go home. Alone. I am not going to lie, I found the guy attractive. But that still doesn't change the fact that I didn't even know his last name, met him via the internet and I JUST DON'T DO THAT. He said he would be happy to tell me his last name and how is meeting someone via the internet any different than taking some random guy from a bar home? I agree that it isn't different at all, that is why I don't do that either. I know it is paranoid, but doing either of those things sounds like a great way to wake up with an STD and minus my kidneys in a tub filled with ice. Yes, I get that is a weird, extreme and oddly mixed fear. But it is always what I picture in my overly dramatic imagination. Setting that aside, it just doesn't sound like fun to me. Sex is fun (to me) when you know and like somebody. It's not a moral judgement, it's a comfort-ability thing. Anyhow he throws several consecutive "dude you've got to be kiddings" and "really dudes?" at me. Being referenced as "Dude" is a new experience for me, and quite off putting. Can I extra NOT sleep with this guy somehow??

Cue end of date. Time: 4 hours 15 minutes, souvenir: a white "club" rose. Yeah, they still do that, who knew?

Back to over explaining myself before the dates.

Because life is just THIS funny, this is the text I got right after I finished this blog. Gotta give the guy points for humor!

The Illusion Of Normal: Everything Is NOT As It Appears To Be.

Imagine for a moment that I was bi-racial, half African American. Genetics being what they are, it is theoretically possible for me to appear totally white. Imagine the comments that could be made in front of me because people didn't know WHO I was. This is the closest analogy I can think of for my situation. People who know me now, or see me in a picture, don’t know WHO I am. They only know the illusion of who I appear to be. To a certain extent that can be said for anyone. However, I feel like I am a more extreme case. Take a look:

This is from 10 years ago. I have continued to struggle with my weight since then, just not to that extreme, typically I have a 30 pound swing. Right now, I am down almost 60 pounds. While I am not skinny, I guess I am finally what you would call normal weight (less than 10 pounds overweight according to “the charts”). But this is still a huge (excuse the pun) part of who I am, how I see myself and how I perceive the world. The interesting part of this dating website is that they ask many questions about weight in their initial survey, so you can see what people think about the issue. Unlike racism, which is socially unacceptable, you can say that you wouldn't like someone based on their weight. So what do I do with information like this??

My initial reaction is to cross him off of my list of possibilities. How do fat people annoy you?  That is absurd.  However it occurs to me that perhaps I am being as narrow as I am assuming he is. It was a yes or no question, maybe fat people annoy him because they remind him that he has put a few pounds, it could be as simple as that. I try really hard not to fault people based on their preferences for a certain body type, attraction is a very individualistic thing. However, how do I weed these people out? Even though I hope to never be heavy again, I don’t want to be with someone for whom physical perfection is such a priority. So, I guess I should be thankful that people honestly answer these questions.  However, I feel like a fraud somehow when this kind of stuff randomly comes up in conversation. I AM this person you're talking about being disgusted by. Also, what if it never comes up naturally in conversation? Is their some screening questions I can ask to get a definitive answer so nobody is wasting their time?

Thoughts? Feel free to post back on Facebook if you don't have a google account. 

They Sacrifice Virgins, Don't They?

This is when it occurs to me that this whole blogging idea might not be very kind of me. However, I couldn't have scripted a more entertaining outcome for my first dating experiment, I mean experience, so I am going forward. I will continue with my long standing radio tradition of giving these guys nicknames to protect the not so innocent. Or in this case, the very, very innocent. This guy will henceforth be known as Junior due to our age disparity.

Prior to arranging a date with Junior I had concerns that perhaps he was buying into Cougar propaganda. Oh Irony, thy name is...Junior. Point to Junior, the first words out of his mouth were that I look just like my picture. No false advertising here, I never understood the point of that anyway. Also point to him for looking exactly like his picture too. He's a cutie pie. We meet at Starbucks at 8:00, I like the idea of keeping it casual and stress free the first time out. 20 minutes into the "let's get to know each other" conversation the first bomb is dropped. He has NEVER been on a date before. Never. Recently one of my dear friends taught me a technique for not saying the first thing that comes to mind, he suggests singing a verse of Sailing by Christopher Cross. Inside my head: Well it's not far down to paradise, at least's not for me
If the wind is right you can sail away and find tranquility.  Then I am distracted by the idea that Junior probably wasn't even born when that song was out. Then I can't control myself any longer. How can I not ask? How is it that you have never been on a date? The only explanation offered was that he was shy. I was trying to be open minded, but this? The conversation resumes and shortly thereafter he also adds that he lives at home still. Of course he does. Why, why, why would you try going out with me? We discussed my age at length, so it is not like he thought I was 21. With that level of experience, and his housing situation, going much younger seems to be the best path. Anyhow, I wrap up the date as quickly as possible and as we are leaving he asks me out again. I tell him to text me tomorrow, thus giving myself time to compose a kindly written WTF text/message for him. End of date: 8:43.

Seriously, who thinks to question a potential date if they still live with their parents or if they have ever had sex before? This shit would never happen to Carrie Bradshaw. Clearly this isn't Sex In The City. Welcome back to the magical,mystical ride that is dating. All aboard!!