This isn't a dating story, but rather the story of why I'm dating. We are given this life, and sometimes that isn't enough for us. We squander the opportunity that life comes with, and merely exist. I am guilty. Guilty in every sense of that word. Guilty for letting life pass me by in the past, and feeling guilty because of Megan (see pic above). I feel a connection and duty to Megan although I never met her. As some of you know on August 12th, 2012 I was robbed and kidnapped at gunpoint by two men in St. Louis. It was sunny Sunday afternoon and it happened in the middle of a crowded parking lot and no one even noticed. But I made it to the other side of it scared, but unhurt. In the week after it happened I told myself that they never would have shot me and the gun probably wasn't even loaded. Then along came Megan. Just like me she was minding her own business in the middle of the afternoon in a crowded area. The same two men approached her, but this time something went "wrong". She was talking to her mother on the phone when they came up to her and demanded her wallet and phone. When she resisted, they shot and killed her while I can only assume her mother listened on in horror.
At this point, I could no longer tell myself that I wasn't really ever in danger. Obviously I was in mortal danger. The first feeling that should have come over me was relief that I was still alive. But it wasn't, it was guilt. Why was I alive, when this 23 year old girl with her whole life stretching out before her was dead? She had family, a long career ahead of her, quite literally everything going for her. It seemed so unfair, senseless. The next year or so was not good for me. Again, instead of being thankful I was still here, I was profoundly depressed. I guess perhaps a form of survivors guilt? A million what ifs flying through my mind at all times, almost immobilizing me. What if I had struggled? What if they shot me instead? Sure, I would probably be dead, but she wouldn't be. Wasn't there some cosmic justice in that? I wasn't really doing anything with my life anyhow, and most of my family is gone. I stayed in that dark place for a long time. When I moved to Tulsa in December I decided it was time to pick myself up and take advantage of the do-over that the universe had provided me with. So here I am, trying to figure out what really matters in life. Trying to form connections, really live life, and get off my couch. Because even though it makes no sense to me, I have a chance to live that Megan wasn't given. She is beyond my reach, and the only thing I can do to honor her is to somehow seize this opportunity I've been given.
This week I got a letter from the St. Louis district attorney letting me know that the gunman got a life sentence for my case (he previously was given life for her murder). I guess it brought this all back up to the surface. Sometimes life gets complicated and you just wanted to stop engaging with people, because it's just way easier that way. But I do believe that letter was my little reminder from the universe to resist the inclination to give up on people and continue to make an honest effort at finding meaning in this life.
How about you? Are you really living?
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