Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, "many, several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
I am approaching dating for this blog as an experiment and I have been hearing quite often about the concept of open dating/polyamory. So, I did a bit of research on it. First, like the geek I am, I read a book about it. Sex At Dawn, which is about the evolution of sex and dispels the standard narrative that humans have always been monogamous. The authors of the book argued that when we were hunter/gatherers that sex was a shared resource much like food and childcare. Everybody was doing it with everybody else with no issues of jealousy and possession popping up. Only when we began to settle down in one place and acquire possessions and power did monogamy become an accepted/expected part of society. The authors believe monogamy is in direct conflict with our instincts (for men AND women) and that's why infidelity is so rampant. Because you are human and can reason, you can choose to be monogamous, but why would you opt to deny your natural instincts?
Intellectually I understood their arguments, and perhaps even thought that they were right in believing that we are not hard wired for monogamy. But there was no way I was ready to practice the theory. I know three people right now that are living this lifestyle, and I have been out with two of them. The second one, Jay was really good about answering questions about the whole scenario. Of course my first question was how in the world do you ever get a woman to agree to this plan? This is where my belief system first got challenged, because according to Jay, it was his girlfriend's idea. His ego made it really difficult for him to get on board with the idea at first. He decided that if you REALLY loved someone, why would you deny them what they needed for complete happiness? Now he has fully embraced the idea and is taking advantage of the fact the he can sleep with other people much more than she is. How does it work? Jay's response was that it was exactly like what I was doing except he gets laid. It is true that I am dating multiple people simultaneously, but I am sleeping with none of them. So how is it that I don't think what I am doing is wrong, while what he is doing seems very alien to me? I guess because I haven't really bonded with any of these people, if I found one that interested me enough I would stop seeing other people. For Jay, his live in girlfriend is his primary partner, and he dates other girls and sleeps with them outside the home (his girlfriend follows the same rule). Another guy who was attempting the open dating lifestyle explained that he did it because it was nearly impossible to find one person who met all of his needs. In fact, he believes that that foisting that expectation on someone that they should be your everything, is why relationships fail. His different girlfriends met different needs, one was an intellectual that he could have deep conversations with, but she wasn't into travel like he was, so he found another girlfriend who would do that with him. It wasn't just about sex, but other needs being met as well.
Personally, I concluded it wasn't for me. While my brain might see the logic in it, my heart doesn't want to start a relationship in a place where we already admit that we aren't enough for each other. I also think that foisting the expectation on your lover that he should be your everything is a sure way to doom a relationship. I should be my own everything, and not look for someone to complete me. Whatever needs I have outside of my own feeling of completeness can be met partially by my partner, and the rest by others in a non romantic way. Do I believe there is one person out there for me for the rest of my life? Probably not. Serial monogamy is probably my thing. That being said, that is a personal choice, so go forth and do what makes YOU happy. As long as you're being honest with everyone involved, I don't judge.
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